The media have recently highlighted a underlying consider among parenting experts: To be a drill sergeant or an empathic listener? To spank or not to spank? To punish or to teach?
In more than two decades as a parent educator, I firmly believe that effective discipline means setting firm limits while, at the same time, treating children with respect and dignity. This is authoritative, not punitive, parenting. What's the difference?
Bedroom Sets
Example: Your children are fighting about which Tv show to watch. The authoritarian parent bellows, "That's enough! No more Tv for a week! That'll teach you kids to get along." This parent dictates her solution, and the children have no chance to solve their own problems or learn to cooperate. They may be resentful but are too fearful to express their true feelings.
The authoritative parent says in calm, clear voice, "If you two can work out a way to share your Tv time, you're welcome to watch. If not, the television goes off." This parent uses firm discipline (stating a consequence that will corollary if the squabbling continues), but also guides children respectfully toward working out their own solution--and then follows through. If she doesn't corollary through, she is not a credible parent and her statement becomes an empty threat that her kids won't take seriously.
The qoute with the authoritarian ("Do it because I say so!") arrival is that it uses adult muscle to force youngsters to obey. This may work in the short run. But over time, children may become more unyielding and disobedient. Some may become sneaky and do the same thing again but are more specific not to get caught. A child who's enduringly under a parent's thumb will find ways to evade or avoid the rules.
Here are some tips to help you become a more effective parent without becoming a pushover or a dictator:
Choose your battles. Parents and children have conflicting needs. Adults need to hurry. Kids want to dawdle. We want some order. They like to make messes. Clashes are inevitable, but don't get pulled into every skirmish. One of my favorite maxims is "If you're not selective, you're not effective." settle what's admittedly leading to you, like leaving the house on time in the morning without yelling or tantrums - yours or theirs. Talk to kids at night about how to get ready on time the next morning. (For example: Set out clothes together and makes lunches that evening, or have a check list of what needs to be done to avoid "morning madness." This way you'll all begin the day on a happier note.)
Talk less. Children become "parent deaf" when we endlessly lecture, nag, command, criticize, cajole. They've heard it all before, so they tune us out. To get children to listen, the trick is to shorten the message. Brevity is authority. Instead of preaching about how messy their rooms are, make a brief impersonal commentary that describes what needs to be done: "Those dirty clothes belong in the hamper" or "Books go on the shelf."
Set clear, firm limits. Example: Before your son goes to a friend's house, let him know exactly what time he must come home. If you arrive to pick him up and he begs to stay longer, you can say, "I know you're having a good time, but it's six o'clock." If he resists, don't be ambivalent by saying, "Okay, just five more minutes." Don't argue. Simply state, "Six o'clock was our agreement. We need to go now."
Use consequences instead of punishment. Example: Your child leaves his new roller blades face overnight after you've reminded him to bring them inside. They're stolen. An authoritarian parent would lecture: "I warned you, but you never listen to me. You got just what you deserved! That's the last time I'll buy you whatever expensive."
That won't teach him to be more specific with his things. It will only make him angry, inept, or resentful toward you. Instead, you could take an authoritative: "I can see you're upset that your roller blades are gone and that you'll have to do without them. Maybe you can think of a way to earn some money toward another pair." An empathic response like this one teaches a episode in accountability without being punitive.
Express your anger without insult. It's only human to get upset when kids disobey or provoke us. Parents have a right to feel angry, but we don't have any right to hurt, insult, belittle, or frighten children.
If you're about to explode, take an "adult time-out" to cool off. You could say, "I'll be in my room for 10 minutes, and we'll discuss this when I come out." Parents who use demeaning language or lash out physically fail to teach respect because they're being disrespectful toward the child. This doesn't help a child construct a conscience, and spanking models the very behavior that we want children to avoid.
Respect is a two-way street: Kids learn it best if we model it. They won't learn to respect themselves or others if respect has not been given to them. another way to show respect is to listen to your child, especially when he is upset. Listening closely - without interrupting or injecting adult answers - shows you are admittedly concerned and care about him.
Though they don't all the time show it and probably won't thank you at that moment, children admittedly do want parents to supply safe, predictable buildings in their lives. We can do that by being an authoritative parent who sets limits on behavior, but also treats kids the way we all want to be treated - with love, dignity and respect.
Authoritative vs. Authoritarian or Permissive Parents
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