Often I encounter husbands that respect their wives. But, they do not feel love-- at least not from their wives. For this reason, sometimes these husbands do not enjoy being with their wives. They express the desire for compassion and support. Instead they get an 'Iron Lady'. My husband says what these husbands want from their wives is 'Girly'. They want their wives femininity-- their softer, fluid, more pliable side. Rather and often they experience their wives as drill sergeants. One husband calls his wife, "Generalissimo Momma"! This undoubtedly doesn't sound like an inviting, 'I desire my wife', let's make love invitation! This husband may respect his wife! But possibly she is not one with whom to snuggle and cuddle!
A "General" is a commander of an army. He or she is responsible for giving orders. They are also responsible for the operation and outcome of those orders. Giving orders requires making ready and planning. Generalissimo Momma has planned, ordered and succeeded well sufficient to earn her name. She won her husband's respect. He also buys in despite of his inherent sarcasm and resentment. We know because he calls her, "Generalissimo Momma"!
Bedroom Sets
This arrangement may work in accomplishing the routines of daily living. It may even be convenient for managing children and household chores. But Generalissimo does exiguous to cultivate a deeply loving intimately fulfilling relationship in the middle of husband and wife. Did you know that agreeing to Forbes Magazine (2011) 8 out of 10 female executives are divorced or never married! This might suggest that the skills primary to successfully carry on projects and citizen are distinct than those required to originate intimacy in marriage.
Consider Troy and Sharon. Troy is a traveling salesman. He leaves on Monday morning and returns on Friday evening. Sharon is a healthcare administrator. Both are pronounce and successful. Both are well-respected in their professions. They live in an affluent neighborhood, drive fine cars and their children attend hidden schools. Extra-curricular activities are a must and vacations routine. They volunteer in their local church. Let's face it, from the exterior Troy and Sharon look perfect-- a coupled to be admired.
Here's the other side of the story. From Monday to Friday, Sharon is it. She manages her schedule, her husband's schedule, the children's schedule, as well as her employees' schedules. Sharon manages her children's school projects, as well as household and work projects. She plans extra-curricular activities, weekend activities, birthdays, anniversaries and vacations. Sharon manages the finances, does the banking and makes sure the kids have sufficient food and clothing. She makes menus, makes dinner, makes beds and on Friday night guess what? Sharon even makes love to her husband.
This is not an indictment against Troy, or any husband for that matter. I am not a feminist. I am married. After 25 years, I would marry my husband all over again! Many wives echo Sharon's reality and would likely accuse me of leaving some things out. Unlike some wives, Sharon has the advantage of help to clean the house, converyance her kids and put in order an occasional meal. Other wives are not so fortunate. Whether or not getting help is possible, no wife will be able to buy nurture, love and affection for her husband and children. This is her emotional accountability alone. It cannot be borrowed from another. Things cannot substitute it. Nor can it be delegated to another-- that's an ingredient for adultery.
The part of Sharon that her children need and for which her husband longs is the warm, safe, supportive, intimate feelings of emotional presence and connectedness. Sharon can steal Victoria's hidden on those Friday nights and pair the lace with stilettos. She can engage all the right sensual moves and touch Troy in all the right places. Peaceful sleep may supervene from sheer exhaustion. But starting Saturday morning and for the remainder of the weekend, Troy is likely to live with the "General'-'Iron Lady'! Victoria's hidden is out. And girly went with it! Was it all an act? Had Sharon ever undoubtedly developed warm, caring, vulnerable and supportive skills? Had she learned these things for her mother? Had she ever even undoubtedly experienced them for herself? Or, was Sharon's mom just as emotionally detached from those she loved? And if mom did not carry these things to Sharon where might she learn them? From whom might she experience, what marriage and house now wish her to deliver? And if the success of her marriage depends heavily on her quality to engage these skills and facilitate an unconditionally loving experience for her husband and children what can Sharon do?
The truth is, Sharon will not be able to offer to her husband or children what she has not received. Any attempt to do so is contrived. Those that do attempt and are honest will say it felt forced. There is no doubt in my mind that many of these women sincerely love their husbands. They are not gay. They say the words "I love you". They care deeply. They have sex with their husbands. But the passion they experience in the boardroom eludes them in the bedroom. No one is more painfully aware of their emotional detachment then they themselves! All the tools in this Iron Lady's arsenal will not be sufficient to offer the emotional experience of unconditional love and acceptance for her husband and children. When it comes to expressing this kind of love we must receive it first. John 4:19 pens it this way,
"... First we were loved, now we love. He loved us first. (Message Translation)
In order to give emotional love, we must receive emotional love. And this naturally means, we must feel it. We must know what it feels like to be emotionally validated a part from our performance. Sharon admitted that the file briefcase labeled emotional validation just for 'being' was nearly empty. She did remember one such experience. A 4th grade teacher held up her school picture and commented on her beauty. It made her feel special. She was touched deeply sufficient to recall it. Yet, it was short-lived. It was one of few experiences in which Sharon (the person, rather than the performer) was celebrated. For Sharon and so many other women and wives emotional acceptance was long ago placed on the altar of performance. For these women operation pays. Emotional availability doesn't!
Sharon needs the experience of emotional love and connectedness. But exiguous about her manner and way adapt the experience. She will have to be still to know this kind of love. Psalms 46:10 suggests this,
"Be still and know that I am God."
Sharon laughs at the idea of being still. But her laughter hides a deep pain with being still. For Sharon it is the same as doing nothing. For Sharon doing nothing is synonymous with lazy and unproductive. Moreover, being still to receive something from an additional one has resulted in unpleasant experiences for Sharon. The belief of being still has been a thinking and emotional hurdle.
Sharon (the person, not the performer) needs to receive emotional validation. She must hear and receive her worth as a man as separate from what she does. However, to receive it Sharon must be still, that is separated from what she does long sufficient to experience this new and phenomenal feeling. Her dilemma, like so many other women is that she has a long and strong aversion to being still-- for any reason! While Sharon may not need to quit her job, or go into therapy she will advantage from structured quiet time. This is distinct from morning devotions and a prayer on the run. Think this.
1. Set aside 3-5 minutes in the morning and/or evening to sit still quietly. The only purpose is to receive God's love.
2. With focused intention thank God for pouring out His love in your heart straight through the Holy Spirit. He has both given you faith to do this and He has already poured out His love.
"And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts straight through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." (Romans 5:5)
"For I say, straight through the grace given to me, to everybody who is among you, not to think of himself more very than he ought to think, but to think soberly, as God has dealt to each one a part of faith." (Romans 12:3)
If you have not already received Jesus Christ as Savior this would be a good time to do so. Before all and after all He is both God and love. With the same focus, read Romans 10:9 gradually and deliberately.
"... That if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved."
Paul goes on to say (Romans 10:10), that with the heart and will we believe we are in right standing with God and with the mouth we pronounce what we believe. That same part of faith used to receive God's love is used here to receive His Son.
3. Ask God to full you with His love and validation to your awareness. This is leading because God can and does use the 5 senses he gave us to narrate His love to us! Do you undoubtedly think He gave you five senses and has no desire to use any of them to fellowship with you? We err in depending exclusively on our senses.
4. Each time all this things you must do come to mind, or the concerns and cares of the day bud into your quiet or otherwise invade your mind try this. Bring each belief to the feet of Jesus and let it go. He will keep it for you and even return it to you if necessary! As a way to accomplish this symbolically, keep a pad and pen next to you when learning how to be still. Every time a belief good or bad, right or wrong attempts to rob you of quiet, write it down and return to being quiet. Ii Corinthians 10:5 reads,
"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every belief to make it obedient to Christ."
If you will practice God's presence in this manner, before long you will experience His love like never before. You will feel special, unique and valuable. You will desire to return here again and again! Love will move you to offer this experience to another. It will be genuine. All of you will show up! Your mind, will, emotions and body will be gift in the same place, without fear. There is no fear mixed in this kind of love because God drives it out! In John 4:18, the writer says,
"There is no fear in love; but excellent love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made excellent in love."
This kind of love is aimed at accepting, validating and celebrating an additional one person, a part from what he or she does. everybody wants and deserves this kind of unconditional love! Let God celebrate you today!
Husbands: Got Respect for Her, But No Love From Her!
